| oh well |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|12:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  eh | ] |
Oh what can you do with a sentimental heart?
Cried all night till there was nothin' more
What use am I as a heap on the floor?
Heaving devotion but it's just no good
Taking it hard just like you knew I would
Old habits die hard
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[Aug. 29th, 2009|10:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  encouraged | ] |
it was like i had never really heard a speech before. it was as if any expectation i have ever had of witnessing something magical in our american history, was met completely. his sentiments ran through every possible course of my body. i found my hand flying in the air and i heard "good boy, good boy" over and over again. it was like i finally understood what it meant to be excited for the future of our country. sometimes when the days reach the end of the month i find myself being inconsolable, but for once i felt myself crying over something actually deserving. it was like, after seven days, he was quite tired so god said 'let there be a day just for picnics and wine and bread'. he gathered up some people he had made, created blankets and laid back in the shade. i was open and torn and put off listening for exactly 13 minutes, when i was finally strong [broken] enough to ask myself what i was afraid of. we're not used to being heard & we're not used to wanting to listen; but perhaps there is some sort of comfort in this man. i found a place where i wish our america could be. thank you for sharing, thank you for the powerful presence of your words. thank you for being the change you hope to lead. |
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| cold & rainy |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|11:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
there are mornings where i could just look at her forever. i could run my hands up and down and over. finally realizing the beauty and truth. it clouds my head with misunderstanding, because i never thought this day would happen. i'll never miss those days of confusion and hostile aggravation. now i can take her in my hands and run fingers through her hair and almost fully, finally, appreciate. i'll eye her as she stands in the mirror, dressing and undressing. her hair always looks better the morning after and i don't care if her cheeks are smeared in black makeup. i'm starting to fully comprehend things and i truly love her and i hope she's never taken away from me. it took me over twenty years to come in contact with her and now that she's stretching at my fingertips and toes, i will never take her for granted. not one thing about her, i'll give her my undying word of honor, first and foremost. i should have looked deeper a long time ago. but it took the shallow shallow surface to reflect an acceptable image to pull me past all the headgames. it's not conceit. it's self-awareness. finally and maybe completely, ( i still believe in her eyes ) |
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[Aug. 25th, 2009|04:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
BRING IT, FUCKING, ON |
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[Aug. 20th, 2009|12:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | braindead | ] |
the more i hang out with someone, the more i realize i actually have less and less to say
remember the other day? well maybe i was wrong, maybe i will give up before i even actually start
i shouldn't spend so much time trying to make sense of everything
really, i ruin it all |
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[Aug. 19th, 2009|12:24 pm] |
) What is more difficult for you; looking into some one's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into some one's eyes as they tell you how they feel?
when they're telling me how they feel
2) Think of the last time you were REALLY angry?
when i found out about whitney and evan
3) You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to call one person...who would it be?
my brother
4) You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have cancer, do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
i wouldn't tell anyone that i was going to die, but i would tell some people that i now have cancer
5) What do you do with your remaining days?
smoke a lot of weed, travel america, eat a lot of acid and mushrooms, maybe even shave my head
6) Would you be afraid?
well of course
7) You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?
trust is overrated
8) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street..Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired, would you still save the dog?
yes
9) Where would you want to go and live the rest of your life?
new zealand
10) Who's the last person who you knew that died?
hmm.. i guess timmy? i can't think of anyone in the past year
11) Would you choose yourself as a friend?
i'm my own best
12) If one of your friends cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend and you were friends with them, would you say something?
i don't like to put my nose where it doesn't belong just to start shit, i'd talk to my friend but never to their boyfriend/ girlfriend
13) Your best friend dies, what would you do?
drink a lot
14) When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
don't pass me by don't make me cry don't make me blue
15) What would be harder, for you to tell someone you love them or that you dont love them back?
to tell someone i love them
16) Have you ever lied to someone about your feelings?
i guess, i mean.. not being completely honest is kinda like lying too
17) Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
me and lauren were definitely on another plain of existence
18) If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would you change?
less drunk sex that few summers ago
20) Are you old fashioned?
i've got some conservative outlooks, but i wouldn't go as far as to say old fashioned
21) Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or
to never love?
i'm used to heartbreak, so bring it on
22) If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for ?
no more physical pain ever
23) Think of everyone you know, would you prefer to only have never met one of them or to lose them all but one?
hahaha i'd pick to have never met a couple of them, easy
24) Have you ever truly experienced love?
most definitely
25) What hurts you the most emotionally, When you let yourself down or when you let the ones you care about down?
i guess when i let myself down, at the end of the day it's just me
26) Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to, whether you love them or not, they will just always be in the back of your mind?
OF,FUCKING,COURSE |
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| ketchup |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|09:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
it looks like my original fall dreams won't be coming true. and i actually thought that for once, something new [but expected] would happen in my life. i wonder why it's so hard for my parents to follow the dreams that i have, instead of trying to lead me on theirs. but in all honesty, i shouldn't complain. because sometimes i catch myself sitting on that couch staring into the parking lot and i realize how spoiled and ungrateful i sound. i'm also considering the option of putting forth major effort into something that may make my stay in michigan more tolerable. although; once again, in all honesty, some of us already know full well that i'm not considering anything... i've basically taken a solemn vow. I PLAN ON STICKING AROUND, i promise. how is it possible for me to get so OVERLY excited all the fucking time? but all this inner dialouge is just telling me to label it a sean, or even worse a george. why can't i ever seem to find the fucking grayscale? floating with positivty or drowning in negativity, with no parachute or lifejacket. i'm trying to fullfill the desires of my heart without breaking her. i guess i've decided that no one has ever been able to hurt me unless i've let them. august is almost over but the past eighteen days have gone be so ridiculously slow. it's probably because the waiting is the hardest part. i need to keep my shoulders back, my head less cluttered, and my heart soft. |
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[Aug. 11th, 2009|03:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | i will follow you into the dark | ] |
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[Aug. 5th, 2009|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  working | ] |
i've always thought of myself as someone deserving of.. more
but maybe, as i'm getting older.
i should stop waiting around for someone to give it to me
and actually do something for/by myself; on my own, you know
maybe
maybe not |
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[Jul. 28th, 2009|12:27 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
constantly feeling like you're on the verge of throwing up is no way to live. but i would be lying if i said i didn't bring it upon myself. and i switch the hat from helpless to hopeless way too often and i never know how to find the middle ground. i don't think i'm looking forward to all the hours august will bring, but the money will transcend the days and even in september i'll have enough to resort back to a state of laziness. it's just been so goddamn long since someone's held me and meant it. since someone touched me because they thought they might actually die if they didn't. it could be because of all the chemicals released last night, but what i really think it is is my lifetime. everything adds up and i suppose i'm just destined to be miserable. |
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[Jul. 16th, 2009|11:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
i'm just lonely for a different state of existence right now |
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| sign of the apocolypse |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|11:54 pm] |
1. So...what did you do last night?
drank an 18 pack with brett and austynn,
then went and spent 60$ at the bar? then smoked a joint & assed the fuck out
2. So...who are you thinking about?
i kinda miss this douche bag, but i'm over telling him about it
3. So...what are you listening to?
gigi d'agostino! look it up, i'll fly with you blablabla remix
4. So...who were you with last night?
austynn& brett, then lauren:)
5. So...do you regret anything from last night?
lolol never
6. So...Was there drinking involved?
hahah whatt the fuck weird
7. So...are you crushing on someone?
NEVER
8. So...Do they know it?
fuck that
9. So...are they crushing on you?
i doubt it
10. So...when was the last time you made out with someone?
like three saturdays ago. fuck my life
11. So...are you in love with myspace?
hahah it's a torrid love affair
12. So...do you believe in love that lasts forever?
i sure fucking hope so man
13. So...have you ever been in love?
yessir
14. So...Do you believe in love at 1st sight?
eh eh hindsight ya know?
15. So...who is the last person you texted?
DAN SMOKE BRING ME MY FUCKING MUSHROOMS BEFORE I CRY
16. So... what does the 5th text in your inbox say; and from who?
"i can't wait to watch our rap video again ahah" austynn
17. So...Do you miss anybody?
gfaskljgsklajGAY i'll lie and say NO
18. So...are you confused about anything?
as is my constant state in life
19. So...have you ever seen the movie Superbad?
not all the way through
20. So...do you like older or younger boyfriends/girlfriends?.
i've been cursed with pedophilia
21. So...have you ever been to H2O in ocean city?
i've been to ocean city though!
22. So...whats the worst thing you've ever done?
prolly crack
23. So...whens the last time you took a shower?
yesterday morning
24. So... whens the last time you cried?
erin's wedding i'm sure
25. So...explain what your plans are for the night?
been sitting around drinking mom's wine while they're outta town, yess
26. So...where's your favorite place to eat?
i love food, so whatever
27. So...how many piercings do you have?
ears, i want a vertical labret!
28. So...do you text or talk on the phone more?
depends, i can dig both
29. So...are you in any kind of trouble?
if a couple people knew things that i knew, then yeah i probably would be
30. So...whens the last time you lied?
today i'm sure
31. So..whats the closest purple object next to you?
headed yogurt slinger
32. So... whats the weirdest thing near you?
maybe the insane collection of bible paraphonalia my parents have in the bookshelves
did i spell that right? don't think so
34. So...have you ever watched Tila Tequila?
OF FUCKING COURSE
35. So...Dani or Bobby?
i mean, this is so last season but DANI!
36. So...what are you allergic to?
cats, dogs, mold, grass, dust, blahblah
38. So...how's your hair looking at the moment?
the usual
39. So...whats your favorite word at the moment?
no
40. So...whats the last thing you ate?
almond joy with cocunut and almonds
41. So...have you ever cheated on a B/f or G/f?
technically yes
42. So...have you ever given a hickey before?
story of my life
44. So...have you ever broken up someones relationship before?
guilty
45. So...have you ever taken advantage of someone?
guilty again
46. So...have you ever been drunk?
never
47. So...weed?
yes please?
48. So...have you ever met a crackHEAD?
hahahahahaha more than you can imagine prolly
49. So...have you ever broken someones heart?
:(
50. So...has your heart ever been broken?
:'(
51. So...have you liked two people at the same time?
always
53. So...have you ever played guitar hero?
like once
54. So...Do people tell you you're attracted to ugly people?
yes usually, more than likely actually
55. So...Have you ever had a bad haircut?
lol what a dumb.. yes
56. So...have you ever waited by your phone for someone to call or text?
wow too often
57. So...Whats the last board game you played?
trouble!
58. So...have you ever played drinking games?
like erryday
60. So...Who'd you get this survey from?
waht up livejournal communities |
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[Jul. 2nd, 2009|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | mellow | ] |
the doctor told me i have intricately placed ear drums. so i think that may just answer everything. the truth of the matter is, i've been doing well. and the last time and only recent time i cried was when someone i've known for sixteen years was married last weekend. and she was just the most picturesque bride and i've never felt anything less than true love between those two since i've known them. i'm trying very hard to keep myself centered, and concerned about things that i feel have an actual worthy place in my thoughts. i've spent way too much of my life focused on things i should have been ignoring. on my next birthday i'll be 23 and it blows my fucking mind. a decade ago, i never thought i would be, at twenty- three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion. i feel myself growing, changing, and remaining the same at the same time. this filtering process has totally rearranged the landscape, and i can't hate it. there's always that internal lonliness i've never seemed to get over. not since i was little and i have a feeling it won't be going anywhere anytime soon. maybe it's because of how much i miss love, real love. not the love that hurts or lies or cripples. brand new real love. but four months til i leave this state, i can make it.. i will make it. |
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[Jun. 15th, 2009|01:16 am] |
i guess if the only people hating on you are people who don't even know you,
you ain't too bad |
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[Jun. 12th, 2009|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hot | ] |
i don't know much of anything anymore. i thought i had an idea about the type of person i was, then i started growing up and decided i wanted to leave her behind. but as much as i try, i can't. and i'm still this same jealous insecure resentful selfish thirteen year old i never wanted to be. someone tell me what i'm supposed to do. do i change what i don't like about myself? or do i accept what i don't like and just go with it anyway? it's not even me with other people. it's me with myself, constantly trying to prove myself to myself and almost always letting me down. there are so many people that i hate right now and it has nothing to do with hate at all really. it has to do with the amount of love i can't seem to let go of. |
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| GET OVER THE PAST |
[May. 22nd, 2009|12:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
What does the last text message in your inbox say?
'mr jones mr jonesss (little asian boy)
What happened at 3:00 am today?
probably woke up to pee
Who/What would you like to see right now?
i'm cool on my own
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
waistline,
Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
i get good vibrations
When is the last time you laughed?
i think when i read "i miss the way your colon smells"
Last baby you held?
aww! i haven't held a baby in so long
what kind of flowers do you like the best?
i can dig flowers, sunflowers especially
If you had one super power, what would it be?
make anything appear in my hands
What are you doing tomorrow?
working all day, then drinking, then ignoring my instincts
Do you act differently around the person you like?
probably
Who did you last hug?
probably squeezed josh real tight
Can you last two days without a bath?
i'm sure i 've gone longer
Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
i'm hoping by around 32, 33
Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
idk, mint for sure
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
ask the mushrooms
Do you grow a mustache?
maaaybeif i could
Ever had a near death experience?
couple outta body
Are you mad at someone right now?
i'm feeling wonderful i could care less about bullshit
Do you love anyone besides family?
oh of course
Do you live near any of your friends?
we mostly live in the state of michigan
Are you currently taking a science class in school?
i havent been to school in a little while
What did you do last weekend?
lansing!
Can you sleep in jeans?
i can pass out in jeans
Would you rather be rich or famous?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
How do you like your eggs?
over easy please. with hasbrowns and toast
What time did you go to bed last night?
i think around 2
Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
yes! and i've been aching for some lately
Do you eat a lot of fast food?
when im on it
Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
suspended a few times
What were you Doing at midnight last night?
just getting home from work, smoking a bowl
Do you have anything on your body that you don't ever take off?
freckles
Last movie you saw?
hairspray, i can definitely dig it
Who was the last person you called?
the mom for the kids i was watching
Have you ever had stitches?
never!
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
1 am a couple saturdays ago
Are you short?
i'm actually above average
Does sex mean love?
definitely not, not at all
does love mean sex? yeah no, take a look inside
what day is your birthday?
oct 25th
Do you think you're smart?
know
When your friends forget you, what will you do?
i hope it's cause im long dead
What's the nicest text in your inbox say?
"love you girl, im kind of excited about our love affair when i get home it will spice th ings up"
Have you ever been cheated on?
i'm hoping not
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
that i've made, help created, carried on, and rotated some vision of love
Do you have a best friend?
titles
When is the last time you had wendys?
FASKOHFASLKJFSAKLJ, wendys i crave you gf
Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
<3TV
Would you ever donate blood?
if i could i would
Do you wanna see somebody right now?
prolly
Were you smiling when you woke up this morning?
wasn't frowning
How many people are on your contact list of your cell phone?
i dont know, i tried counting but everything blurred together
Do you talk to yourself?
i'm my own best company
Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
i stole my socks from my brother
What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
hahaha wow:( the bastards, good question
Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
can't care!
is that really how it ended?? such is life |
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| glad to be unhappy |
[May. 11th, 2009|10:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | high | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mamas and papas | ] |
Are you growing apart from someone close?
it's almost become the theme of my life
Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?
i think i've fallen in love with you
Who do you trust with everything?
lauren's pretty close
Who will be your next kiss?
maybe a boy
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you slept in a bed with?
georgy
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
it makes it easier
Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
i sleep better on my own
Last person you talked to on the computer? How was it?
can't remember
Anyone you wanna fight?
i'm trying to act like i don't
How's your ex doing?
leaving jail in like, two minutes
Are you afraid of falling in love?
not afraid of falling but admitting
Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
not even close
Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
he ignores me
What will you never, ever forget?
i remember most everything really
How're you doing today?:
mellow
Do you cry easily?
wouldn't say that at all
Was your last kiss sober?
actually yes
Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
faslkjvkl
Told someone you loved them but didn't mean it?
no, definitely not
Do you like your life?
i've gained much more appreciation
When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
hmm last weekend?
Did you trip at all today?:
weird that you ask! but, unfortunately not
When is the last time you went to the mall?
been forever
Where was the last place you went out to eat?
taco loco this evening for some mothers day dinner
What were you doing last saturday night?
slept all day, til like 1am, then ran around for a few hours
Does your phone ring often at night?
sometimes
Who was the last person you had in your room?
lauren!
Who did you last text?
my boss
Where did you cry last?
it's been a minute, i'm not sure
When did you last drink?
about to now, but last night
Does the future scare you?
grab your shades
Do you have a best friend?
handful of good friends
Is your room clean?
yes! for once in my life
What were you doing at 3am this morning?
just leaving caseys &chelseas
Have you ever changed clothes in a Vehicle?
too many times to count
Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
hide them
What are you looking forward to in the next month?
warm weather!
How many pillows do you have on your bed?
three
Do you have a secret hand shake with anyone?
haha i wish
Are you mad at anyone right now?
not particularly
Do you like the ocean?
i guess sooooo
Who are the best people in your life?
lauren, lauren, my brothers
What was the highlight of your week?
it's been a rather slow moving one
What is it that you are dreading right now?
got no worries
Think of all your exes, would you take any of them back?
none of the serious ones at least |
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| unrequited |
[May. 9th, 2009|12:07 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | curious | ] |
"You know when I said I only knew a little about love? Well that wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it. I've seen centuries and centuries of it. And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain and lies. Hate. Made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way mankind loves... I mean, you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, and well, strangely easy to mistake for loathing. And what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is I think I love you. My heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts, no goods, no demonstration of devotion. Nothing but knowing you love me too. Just your heart in exchange for mine." |
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| class of 2003! |
[May. 1st, 2009|12:55 am] |
SENIOR YEAR SURVEY, lolololol
Did you date someone from your school?
aww dillard. first love. we were adorable
Did you win anything in Senior's Who's Who
was up for 'everybody's best friend'
What kind of car did you drive?
99 ford tarus!
It's Friday night...
Where are you?
probably either my house, jaimes, or dillards
Were you a party animal?
hell to the no
Were you considered a flirt?
i doubt it
Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
i should have been in marching band. i woulda been the shit
Did you get suspended/expelled?
suspended a handfull of times for sure
Can you sing the fight song?
fuck that
Who were your favorite teachers?
tucci zeggers and ms. ducher! they all came to my grad party, aww:)
Where did you sit during lunch?
the lunch tables...
Why is the cafeteria always segregated like that?
you tell me
Who was your partner in crime?
jaime always. lauren stephanie and beth too. and definitely the boyfriend
Who was your best guy/ girl friend?
probably jaime and dillard. the best friend and the boyfriend
Who's house was the hang out house?
queer
What was your school's full name?
Troy Athens High School
High School mascot?
Redhawk
If you could go back and do it again, would you?
do it as me now, yes for sure. do it knowing what i know now, maybe. do it over just for the hell of it, no
What do you remember most about graduation?
being a lot more emotional than i ever thought i would be
Were you in any clubs?
uh no:/
Who was your Senior prom date?
didn't go, but it could have been dillard
What did your outfit look like
naked
Are you planning on going to your 20 year reunion
ohhh for sure
Who has changed the most since High School?
i'm hoping a lot of kids
Who was your home room teacher?
we went there like, once. idk
Did you play any sports?
soccer
Do you still talk to people from school?
quite a few, but most of them I was friends with before high school |
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[Apr. 21st, 2009|03:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tripping | ] |
could you love someone enough
after all you've had and you've lost?
it's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't want to die alone
could you love someone completely?
and yes, by "someone" I mean me
spoiled sick like milk you let sit too long
it's a simple question
as I lie awake waiting for you to lay beside me
I can almost hear the sad waltzes of Pietro Crespi
could you love someone who does whatever he wants to do
whenever I want to?
it's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't want to die alone |
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